When will I ever feel at home again?
I just moved here and I don’t know why, but I feel completely gripped by fear.
I thought I was above that, I thought I was strong, and that the years I spent yearning and scheming to escape my past and come to a city full of life had somehow primed me to change my situation overnight, that l'd feel instantly grounded and alive in ways I haven't felt in a long time.
But every morning I still wake with the same bucket of fears as always: fear of change, fear of loss, fear that I'm not good enough...even fear that I'll succeed. It all clenches in the middle of my chest and radiates up my throat and spine.
But there's a reason l've come here. I don't know what else to do besides remind myself of that, and just force myself to get up and get outside and say hi to people.
Maybe someday I'll stop being scared, or maybe I'll learn to embrace the fear and finally feel at home with it.
with V, Titania, & Whitney Masters
Mono Lake, California, 2023